It has been a very long time since I’ve added words to this space. I’ve been neglectful of my time and craft. Truth be told, I realize the Internet may not be clamoring for yet another blog post pondering the challenges awaiting me in fatherhood. But aside from my hours at work—and the others I pass anesthetized before the television—there has been little else on my mind. Between the necessary preparation, childbirth and infant care education, reading, nesting, exercising when I can, cooking, cleaning up after myself, and collapsing on the couch… there is precious little time left for blogging. But here I am on a Friday night, Mrs. E three days past her due date… with nothing left to do but write. Funny, that.
So, with all that said… here are five things I will not be telling my daughter about the month she was born:
- “The biggest news story that month was about a politician who got in trouble for sending pictures of his private parts to pretty girls on Twitter. And his name was Weiner. No, I’m not making that up. But he lied about it and said it wasn’t him. And then he tried to have a press conference to tell the truth, but the guy who accused him in the first place showed up and made a big stink. And then his wife went to Asia. And then she came back, and he went to a senior center and resigned. The moral: you should never follow politicians on Twitter or Facebook. Read a newspaper. I’m sure they still print news on paper somewhere.” [The latest: Fake Twitter identities used to get information on Weiner–NY Times]
- “A team of basketball players from Dallas, led by a large German man named Dirk, won the national championship, because a player for the Miami team named Lebron pooped the bed. Not literally. That’s what you say when everyone expects you to do something great, and instead you do something gross and disappointing, and the grown-ups need to try and clean it up.”
- “Lots of very important decisions about New York City are actually made in Albany, which is three hours away. The politicians in Albany got together and did something very brave—they said it was bad to take money from people in secret, because they might be making decisions to help the people who gave them the secret money, and no one would know about it. Think of it this way: if you had one friend who gave you a cookie, and another who didn’t, who would you like better? Wouldn’t you want to do something nice for your friend who gave you the cookie? So if you were a politician in Albany, you could still have the cookie, you would just have to disclose to the state ethics commission that you got the cookie. Yeah, I know, that’s still not too bad of a deal.”
- “Alec Baldwin joined Twitter. And he thought about running for mayor. Of New York City. Yes, people still vote for mayor.”
- “Spiderman finally opened on Broadway, for real. And nobody fell from the sky.”