I am preparing for my first full week as primary daytime caregiver for Sarah while her mother returns to work. So how am I preparing for a day chasing the whims of my infant daughter? I put her down to slumber, successful on the fourth try, and sunk into a chair to soak my eyeballs in television, watching the Eagles on Sunday night football through its last excruciating moments. Sarah and her mother are asleep. I will join them shortly. Still, Sarah will be up soon, hungry and desperate for relief.
In the meantime, five things I won’t tell my daughter about her third full month at the center of our world:
- “So, remember the Congressman who pulled down his diaper and took a picture he posted on Twitter? (You’re never going on Twitter, by the way.) They had an election to replace him. Usually, there’s an election to see who runs in the real election. But not this time, because it was a special election. The head Democrat picked the worst Democrat he could find… and the Republicans picked a guy who used to run a trashy talk show where crazy people yelled at each other. Naturally, the Republican won, because he had the perfect experience for Congress.”
- “Every four years, they have an election for President, too. A bunch of Republicans who wanted to be President had a debate in California, and there was a lot of clapping and cheering for the Governor of Texas because he’s killed lots of people. It seems kind of creepy and weird, I know. But this is the state where they elected a governor who killed more people in movies than anyone else. (You’re not ever moving to California. Or Texas.)”
- “There is a big parade every year in our neighborhood where we live in Brooklyn. Lots of people come, and this year some people got shot. It was very scary. So what did we do about it? Because it’s a national problem, the mayor went to a press conference and told Congress they needed to pass a law restricting people from buying guns so the street where we live can be safer. And that’s why we’ve had to stay inside for the last four years.”
- “The city started a program where you could pay to pick up a bicycle on a streetcorner, and you could drop it off somewhere else for another person to use. And all of a sudden, it was like we were living in Portland, Oregon… if only for a moment.”
- “A Yankees pitcher broke a record for finishing more games than any other pitcher–more than 600. So, finish your dinner.”